Once you’re married it’s all down hill

They say everything changes after you’re married.  And while I don’t often agree with what “They” say, I have to admit – when They’re right, They’re right.  I was thinking the other night about things that had changed since Enzo and I got married and I came to the conclusion there are lots.  Let me give you some examples:

Going out – When Enzo and I were dating we went out almost every night.  If he asked me to go out for drinks on a random Tuesday, I got in the shower, put my eyes on and went.  We’d be out til the wee hours talking and drinking and making out in public.  I’d pay for it the next day, but that next night when he asked again I was right there.  It’s different now.  In fact tonight (a Thursday) he asked if I wanted to go out and grab a drink.  Without even thinking I answered, “Are you on crack???”

Shaving – During our courtship you could not have found a stray hair on my body with a magnifying glass.  I shaved in the morning, I shaved at night.  My legs, my pits, and pretty much any area below my head was smooth as glass.  Now, not so much.  We were sitting at a red light the other day when I looked down and realized I had my brother’s feet.  I had patches of hair on each toe and a big tuft right up the middle.  I can’t even talk about my legs.

This is a good one – Farting – Friends, family, you know I’ve always been gassy.  I blame it on gastrointestinal issues but whatever the reason I’ve always been rather noisy.  But when Enzo and I were dating I would never dream of passing gas in his presence.  I always excused myself or waited (sometimes painfully) til he walked away.  My friends have all heard the stories of near slip ups and narrow escapes and tactics I used to stifle the sound or mask the odor.  Looking back he must have been wondering why I spent so much time in the bathroom.  Today I fart so much I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  I’ll never forget the first time I did in front of him.  He applauded.  I never held back again after that.

Underwear – In the short time Enzo and I were dating, I acquired dozens of matching bras and underwear.  I had them in every color and different sets for every type of outfit.  I had sexy for when I was dressed up.  I had casual sexy (Victorias Secret Pink) for jeans and t-shirts.  I had dainty sexy for sundresses and sleepy sexy for bedtime.  Fast forward to now.  I wear what’s comfortable.  Sometimes that means cotton and no underwire and they don’t ever match.  Most of the time I wear his boxers and my crazy cat lady t-shirt to bed.  He doesn’t seem to mind.

Nails, Makeup – In the months we were dating I’m pretty sure I singlehandedly kept Lexington Nails in business.  I was there twice a week for manis and pedis.  My nails never had a chip.  My feet never had callouses.  And every time I saw Enzo I always had mascara and lipstick on – even those times when I “unexpectedly” saw him after being at the gym or riding my bike.  I remember reading somewhere that a true lady never lets her man see her doing what it takes to look beautiful.  I took that to heart and wouldn’t even reapply lipstick in front of him.  Miraculously my lips were always the perfect shade of Bobbi Brown Italian Rose.  I was wacked.  As I’m typing I’m trying to stop my thumb from bleeding in the area that I’ve been picking, picking, picking.  My pinky toenail is so long it’s curling under.  And it’s been so long since I wore mascara that my tube of the good stuff actually dried up.  Oh and the lipstick – now it’s Tropical Satin Chap Stick.

I’m thinking now that it couldn’t hurt to go back to some of my pre-wedding ways.  I’ve committed to shaving a few times a week at least for the summer.  I bought new masara.  I’m going back to regular manis and pedis.  I’m trying to be more open to going out and socializing during the week because I think that’s good for us.  Now the farting – uh uh.  That’ll never change.

Readers – what has changed in your relationships after marriage?

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6 thoughts on “Once you’re married it’s all down hill

  1. U R 2 funny. And you can not have your brother’s feet. I have them and I’ve taken to wearing my wolf XXL Tshirt to bed and pretty much anywhere not work related to match.

  2. You know, I seriously wondered if you farted in front of him. B/C I’ve heard you fart…like Stepbrothers style. Good for you. (BTW…does it irritate anyone that I change my name constantly? 🙂 )

  3. I think this is my favorite blog post you’ve written so far. And, yet another reason why I don’t think “I do” is for me.

  4. Yours is the best blog I’ve read. Everything you’ve written is bang on. If I could have changed anything of the last 35 years with John I would have worked harder to get him to eat (he’s was the same way about food as Enzo when he was Enzo’s age) and now he hates restaurants and especially hates “socializing” in one….what’s that about? I laughed when I read about your sleeping attire because I sleep in my favorite tank top and cotton undies; and as far as shaving; I just went to the beach for the morning and splashed in the waves with my hubby and granddaughter and I haven’t shaved in a week! I mean really. Hmmm, I think I’ll wear mascara today and see how that feels.

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